Please dont make me go

  Please don't make

me go. The fear inside

me is rising, my palms

sweating, heart beating,

tears flowing.

  You want me to

explain the unexplainable.

You want me to tell

the untellale. I like

pretending everythings ok,
I'm good at it.
  You want me to say
how I feel.
  If I say it, you'll
stare, cry, hate.
I'll repulse and shock.
  If I tell him how
I feel, he wont help me,
no-one can.
He'll stare, call me
a freak, crazy and
shove pills down

my throught.

  He'll make me show

the cuts, the scars,

he'll judge me.

  I don't want pills,

I don't want to talk.

All I want is for

these thoughts, these feelings

to go away,

that's all I want to

be happy.

My biggest love and hate

 I look at longingly at you,

You, my biggest love,

My biggest hate.

 Who brings me pain,

But a stange sensation.

 When you hurt me,

I am in control,

I control the pain you create

For me. You create a different

Pain than them, they keep

Going and never stop. I

Can make your hurt, your pain

End when I want, not you, I

Choose.

  You’re my saviour, my

Release from reality,

When anger takes over,

You are my calm.

 When sadness is all I

Feel, you are my

Happiness.

 When the blood leaves

My body, I smile at

You, you who did this

Too me.

  My biggest love,

My biggest hate...

You, the blade that

makes me bleed.

Beautiful Blood

 I push the razor,

deep into my skin,

wanting, needing the pain,

it's my escape from reality,

from who I am.

 The blood begins to trickle,

to pour down my leg,

soothing my emotions,

feeling like velvet aginst

my bare, ugly skin.

 The red blood is such

a beautiful sight to me, it

glistens as the light hits it, not

wanting to wash it away, I am

overwhelmed by its beauty.

 Who would have thought others

turn there heads at the sight of

blood, while I just stare.

I stare at my pain, my calm,

my hate, my love, I stare at

what could be my end!

For forevever Dedicated to Blue xxxxxxx

 If a tear falls,

down my cheek,

you're who I

turn to.

 You make the

sadness and sorrow

disapear, a magik

trick only you

can preform.

 If something

puts a smile on my

face, or makes

my heart warm, you're

who I smile with.

 If I've got a

secret I can't bottl

up, you're who I

share it with.

 If theres a

a problem I can't

solve myself,

you're who fixes it.

 You've stood by me,

even when you saw

me at my worst.

 You know me,

understand me,

more than any-one

else.

 You've got me

through so much
just by being there.

 You're my best friend

and I'll make your

sadness and sorrow disapear,

I'll smile with you,

I'll share with you,

I'll solve things for you,

I'll stand by you.

 No matter what

distances seperate us,

I'll be there,

be there for you,

for always, for

forever.

Secret Enemy

Are you actually

my friend,

or a secret enemy?
 Do you like me,
or hate me?
 Are you inncoently
joking,
or saying what you
think of me?
 When you whisper
to them, saying its
nothing, are you whispering
about me?
 Am I just being
paranoid or do my
queries have reason?
 I don't understand
why you would suddenly
turn against me...

 I listened to all

your problems,

got you through

the break up,

waited with you

for the results,

laughed with you

when you were down.

 Are you actually

my friend,

or a secret enemy?

 My paranois getting

out of hand.

 I go home,

get my razor out,

covering myself

in a sea of red,

wondering what I did

to stop you being

my friend.

 Are you actually

my friend,

or a secret enemy?

False smiles

Looking in the

mirror,

I feel a pain wash

through me.

 I feel a hate

for myself I've
never felt for
any other.
 I hate every-
thing I see, yet I
can't stop staring,
felling the hate
rising in me.
 Instead of
letting that hate out.
 I leave it, leave
it to grow and grow.
 Soemtimes a little
of the hate goes away...
 But only if I do
something I know
I shouldn't but I need to.
 It goes away
when I take out
my razor, and I slice,
seeing the blood pour,
drip.
 It went away
when I got the
stud shoved
through my lip.
It took peoples
eyes away from
my face, my uglyness,
my hate.
 It goes away
when I sneak
around with him.
 I know all the
things I do are
wrong, but when
I do them it lessens
my hate,
even though later
it comes back, worse,

it haunts me.

Showing the bad

person I am.

 Looking in the mirror,

tears fall from my eyes.

 I walk away from the

mirror, and place a

smile upon my face,

getting ready to act

my way

through another day.

 Getting ready to pretend.

Identity

You judge me,

on what you see,

on what I do,

my actions.

 You judge

those actions,
without seeing
the thoughts behind
them.
 I'm a "bad influence",
that's what you think,
I know you do!
But you don't,
know me, you think
you know me...
  You don't!
 You see me
"rebelling",
  I'm not!
 I'm just trying
to find myslef,
to know who I am,
find my own identity,
it's hiding.
 I don't want to
fit in, be like
every-one else,
because I'm not.
 I think differently,
therefore I act differently.
 You ask
what happened to
the girl I first met,
those years ago?
 The girl who
sat having fun,
palying the guitar,
pretending to be
a star?
 I grew up,
I saw the world,
as it is, I saw
reality.
 I saw the pain,
the hate.
My epiphany
showed me.
 I don't want

to be like every-

one else.

 They don't know,

they don't think

like me.

 So if me,

being me,

and being ok

with the person

I am makes me

a "bad influence"

I guess I am.